If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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