Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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