ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
