I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
