remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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