Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
