sarcasm needs its own font
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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