She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
