i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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