Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
