I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
