You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
