There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
