Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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