i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
