I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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