i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
