the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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