I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize