dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I AM VODKA MAN
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
