You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
