wrigley field is MILF paradise
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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