He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Couch. On fire.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
