oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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