Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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