I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
