Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
