Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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