Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
