bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
