I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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