The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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