You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's shark week go big or go home
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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