I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
