Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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