my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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