if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
