i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
