Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
