when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
