dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
