Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
