I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
