oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
