my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
