she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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