Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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