We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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