I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
