My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
people are starting to question the shark bite story
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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