we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
