I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
