just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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