apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
