wrigley field is MILF paradise
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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