Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
