No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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