are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize