How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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